The earliest memory I have of thinking about careers is saying I would be a writer. At the age of six I wanted to be just like Jacqueline Wilson. My first book, ‘Daddy Goes to Space’, hand-written and illustrated by me; loose A4 printer paper stapled together; was ‘published’ (again by me) when I was six.
At eight, each time I slept at my nan’s house, I would wake her and my step-granddad up with a daily news report. I would wake up extra early and draw a map of England for a weather forecast. I would make up dramatic news stories, ‘the Prime Minister’s trousers fell down during a speech today’…
Ten. I wrote family newspapers. Informing my own family about what was going on in their house. I’d interview my mum about what she thought of the new dog next door. Ask my little brother how he felt about getting grounded last week.
Twelve. Obsessed with Mizz Magazine, I would write my own. Beauty tips, agony aunts (the parts of the aunt and the person who wrote in both played by me), horoscopes…
Fast forward to sixteen. An anxious, shy girl at a huge new sixth form, I tentatively signed up for the student newspaper. People liked my articles and my linear drawings.
Eighteen. Still writing for the student newspaper, but hit with both anxiety and depression, I desperately tried to escape having to write for the paper. Who would want to read what I had to say anyway?
Nearly two years on I am desperately trying to get back to my twelve year old mindset. I want to feel like I can do anything I put my mind to. I write freelance, I write for my blog. But it’s no career. My whole life has been pointing towards a career in writing and journalism, but now it’s real and I need to make a career for when I leave university, I haven’t the first idea how.
Trying to apply for internships for my year in industry is almost soul-destroying. Who wants to hire a girl whose only talent is writing words on a page? You need more. I never played sport, I wasn’t good at maths, and certainly not science. Not good enough to pursue a career in it, anyway. The skill I have developed from the age of six isn’t enough.
So what do you do when your best is not good enough? I still haven’t found the answer, but if you have it, please let me know!